Death Comes To Us All

 In a world of chaos, I’m embracing death and change. Life and death, the cosmic balance of life that is something we used to know as a species, we’ve lost our way with it. Something about the knowledge that we will taste death does something to a person. 

I’ve walked with people (both personal losses and professional ones) who are on the path to death, seen the stages they pass through and the peace grows the closer they get. I’ve also seen in some cases, the fear and dread of leaving others behind, or not knowing what will come...this keeps us here for longer when we could pass in peace if we just accepted the stages of life as those stages. We will pass from this life into the next, and for that it’s inevitable. It’s something we CANNOT skip, or barter away. 

Many have tried to make deals with the devil for longer life, others seek the fountain of youth believing that it will keep the clutches of Death away from them for longer. But in the end, they met with Them, the One who walks with them intimately through a process of letting go, of holding onto freedom, and letting the change happen. It’s a gift, to be honest, to walk with people in those days and hours leading to death. I cannot believe that I was blessed to do so, but it’s given me a reflective nature on death that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I think I’m more in tune with it than I realize...But It’s okay. 

I’ve become so closely acquainted with death, in the physical and spiritual forms, that I can say I am not nearly afraid of it like I had been. In fact, I can see the beauty of it, the unfolding of the steps like a forgotten rose left behind on the bush to waste away. But I’m here, to watch, to witness the glory and the passing. The way life is given, even in death, by the passing of all things. From the ashes of what’s passed on before, we rise up nurtured and strong.

Without the passing of the previous…we wouldn’t be here. There is something just beautiful in that to me. Knowing that I come from the ashes of life before, from all of life. Plants, animals, and humans alike, have nurtured me, and donated to my DNA…ashes to ashes, dust to dust. From the earth I come, and to the earth I’ll return. 

Mines & Ripples

Image from Unsplash

 I miss digging into the mists of my mind, to scavenge and mine like an explorer not afraid of what they’ll find. 

I drop words to the page, no matter my age, and when the secrets are revealed and healed, my words linger on.

I’m not a joke, nor a fad, nor one to hold back, I see what is there and my scribe is born.

I carry wisdom from pain, loss, and life’s circumstances, knowledge that only death and mistakes can bring. 

I lost my way, lost my understanding of life’s cycles and how healing is a personal thing done on the darkness and solitude of one’s own making.

I found my way back, the path hidden and dark ahead, one step in front of the other I gained my way to the truth

That without my darkness I am not whole, without my understanding I cannot heal forward. 

I train now on the water that was meant to drown me, my steps leaving ripples for others to follow my wake.

I see the ripples of those who went before, those who didn’t let cultures distance from life change them. 

A Year Makes Me

 Whoa, what a year this has been. These last three years have all felt intense. But 2022 has been a year of deep healing, and personal growth for myself and my business. 

I've unlocked doors to the pain I'd hidden so well that I didn't recall it until my mind and guides brought it up. 

I've lost several friendships, because of shifting beliefs and ideals (My own mostly).

I've put myself out there on multiple platforms and in multiple ways. Photography, tarot, spirituality, blog, videos. It's all a part of who I've been and who I'm becoming. 

Have you ever seen the other side of fear and grief? Like a door to waking up and seeing the reality of our entire existence and purpose? 

It’s like lifting a veil that you never knew was there and suddenly it’s all you can see. 

Truth is everywhere. 

True truth means people's pain and trauma speaking through their anger and rage, tears and grief. 

Humanity is a constant ball of emotions; all we’re trying to do is walk and live through this maelstrom with a semblance of happiness and fulfillment that feeds our souls in the darkness. 

Holy shit, run-on sentence, am I right? 

I’m journaling like it's my job, and maybe it is. All this deep written work and all the revelations hidden in the letters on the screen… like some alchemical magickal priestess and shaman of the new age. Someone who can use the tools of NOW to bring rise to the gods and humanity of OLD. But how does this translate and not overthink it too much? I love doing what I do and seeing what the words craft when I’m not paying attention and listening to the beat of music and dancing in place while words floor and fly off my fingers like I’m painting the world with my intention with each stroke and each strike. I love this. It’s so… freeing, I guess, to see this happen.

Summer Longs For Autumn

This is an unedited image, from our amazing Arizona evening skies, thanks to Summer Monsoons. 

 Drifting mind and dark aesthetics 

Cozy browns and golden hues

Misty fog and trailing raindrops

The rasp of fingertips on aged paper

Tucked into the folds of an adventurous novel

The academic finds her soul in the depths of a darkened bookstore

Summertime Lessons

Heavy weight of heat and bogs

My soul does not delight in the bright 

It longs for the dark, the cool, the hidden

To be amongst the stars and dirt

Summertime is not my favorite

But in this season I lean into the cave

I embrace the wild monsoon when she comes

The wind greets me like an old friend

Grandmother Elm weaves and dances her song

There is beauty, and my soul is thankful

For deep within the bright golds and yellows 

I find my browns and rusts.

Even this season brings gifts and messages

I can finally see 

drawing into myself

During the Summertime

Is okay

The sun heals, even through time and space

Through the heat, I cut ties

What isn’t meant to be will not

And letting go is also okay

Summertime is to let go

The Darker half of the year is 

Where my soul longs and lives

Breeding Arrogance VS Mother Earth

 

We breed this arrogance into our bones, like its nothing.

Every drip, every generation, every seed carries this arrogance like it’s our right.

We challenge those who don't have it, who want nothing more than to connect to each other and to the earth.

We see them through eyes of self indulgence, and self importance.

Forgetting that as they inhale, we exhale.

Forgetting that every step we take directly affects those around us.

Even the earth feels our influence.

We wonder why there is this break and pain with the Earth and her people.

It’s because we fanned the flames of self more than we fanned the flames of community and peace.

Find the peace within, regain that connection to Earth and hear her heartbeat.

Feel her breath on your cheek.

Don’t shy away from it when it’s uncomfortable.

Mother Earth deserves to be heard, in all her forms and fashions.

Mother Earth is the original #metoo survivor and we must believe her for her to heal.

For us to heal.

For us to prosper and be the balance we were made for.

There is no Earth without us, and no us without Earth. 

I Had To Go Outside To Write This Post

 This was not the post I set out to publish today. I had spent time setting up another post, including an outline. Then I lacked inspiration to write it. Old Peggy would skip it, allowing an old record to play of her lack of follow through. 

I sent that Peggy on vacation; she needed one. 

Honestly, any post would not be written at my desk today. Outside I went, the cloud filled blue sky peeks through Grandmother Elm's branches and vibrant green leaves. A dove couple high up top coo to each other, the love and comfort between them loud and clear in their calls. 

Being outside, writing this post by hand, I've already learned something. Going slower than I would type - I expected to be frustrated. As the sunlight dances on the page, I realize this is like savoring a rare vintage. Slowing down, as the wind did just now- to taste and feel each word. Only the best comes forward, knowing this is the right time. 

Moisture is in the air, all of nature can feel it. A secret running under the eyes of humanity, an intrisict ability all life carries. Even humans. 

We've lost our touch with Nature, gone is the balance and connection, lost to time and space. 

Or is it?

A moment under Grandmother Elms' limbs, and I'm here. Present. In the moment. Words want to capture it all, but this intimate knowing can only be felt and experienced. 

It's the hottest part of the day, a time I'm rarely found outside. Yet here I am - seeing how nature dances, sings, and lives in spite of the heat. 

Live - in spite of. 

The purpose of this post...I've lost it. And that's okay. 

Maybe we both needed the reminder to live. 

Live in spite of all that's against you. 

Live because it's the most scary, intense, freeing, and joyful experience of your life. 

I'm also secretly hoping it'll start raining, so I can dance in it. It'll be the first rain of the season. 

(As of the typing of this, no rain has fallen on Peggy, much to her dismay. She promises to alert the media once this monumentous moment happens. Stay tuned!) 

I question, is this a 'good enough' post? Does it have a point? Does it repeat to much? Why do I repeat things?

And then I remember to breathe. . .breath through the emotions and thoughts. But don't hold it too long. 

My intuition speaks louder these days. Her voice the first I hear and trust now. She is a gift that cannot be thanked enough. As I follow her, listen to her, walk guided by her, I am finding parts of myself along the way. Parts that are being healed and put back. One day soon, I'll be able to see and experience my wholeness. Its timing doesn't bother me. 

As fate has perfect time and sense. 

So I lean into my intuition. I hear and live by her. Through this scary and challenging journey, I am healing. And how can I be dismayed over that, when the taste of freedom and being whole feels so damn right?  

Opening My Creative Doors!

 I’m doing it. It’s done. It’s set up and ready to go. By the time this post is live, my photography doors will be open. (Check it out here!)

It feels small in the grand scheme of things, and I’m not blind to what’s going on in the world these days. But doing this for me, carving out my spot to just be me, feels right. This is the time, crazy and uncertain as it is. This is my golden hour, my blue hour, my best seller status, my higher calling. 

I can feel the change slipping through my fingers like gentle waves against the shore. With each release is a recapture of what once was, and what can be. A reminder that she's still in here, still breathing the life through all the fuckery that came before. 

This feels both the biggest and the smallest step I’ve ever made, and I can see the other big/small steps that led me here. Each step seemed wrong, didn’t fit with the previous steps I’d taken. The previous roads I started down. Yet here I am, on another precipice, feeling the strong winds of the past and future fighting over which direction I fall. 

Every precipice is an opportunity to soar, to fight the currents, the glide and to fall. Every precipice leads to the next one, and each one grows bigger and smaller at the same time. 

Leading up to the launch of this web shop, I've faced challenges that threatened to turn me off course. To pull me into questioning the validity of my life and passions. Again, I'm reminded over and over that the Universe has me. That these things strengthen myself, heal things, and move in the right direction. I've leaned into journaling and speaking with safe people in these times, and the support and gift of friendships is astounding. 

Where am I going with this? 

I expected this post to turn out differently, but it turned out how it's supposed to. Full of truth and the reality of where I'm at. The mess that life makes when one is trying to live according to their intuition. It's not always pretty. In fact, I suspect that living a life such as this redefines beauty and truly living. It transforms us from passive spectators to the valiant heroes we've longed to be. 

Heroes of our own stories, our own personal heroes' journey. There's a part of the story called the Dark Night of The Soul. In this part, the hero takes time to process everything that's happened. They are usually worse off and questioning everything. This is just before the hero finds the solution to the problem and learns their lesson. (Take loosely from Save The Cat! Writes A Novel, by Jessica Brody pg. 26) This is where I'm at, where I've been, for months now. Each event, each step, has carried its own moment before the dawn and this feels like another one.  

Making my space in the world, and trusting the intentions I've spoke aloud into becoming, fills me with a wildly beating heart that is truly breathing fully for the first time in decades. Welcome to the space I've made to heal my inner child, my inner teen, and all aspects of myself. Through creativity, I soar and dance with the cosmos. 

Darkness Rises - Original Poem

 

Darkness Rises

Wine soaked mind full of nebulous thoughts 

Here they come

There they go

Fear flutters at my mind, 

Like a soft trickle of water

One wrong move and it's all over

Deadmans wash will carry me away

Pulling me under

Luring me into darkness that paints the soul

One gasp

One kick

And a new darkness rises 

This one darker than the last 

Swift and sure

I rise

Darkness rises with me

Blending and morphing with the light 

Able to bend them both 

To know them both

Love them both

All because fear thought it won 

I Am Made - Orignial Poem

 

Image from Upslash.com

 I Am Made

I am not made from meek and quiet things

I am meant to roar and fly with spread wings

Staying small and unseen isn't my gift

Words will rip from my passionate soul

Every look of censure, every whispered glance

It's all for nothing, because I wasn't made for that

I am made for speaking up

And holding a spotlight on things

I am made for stirring the pot 

And making you scared

I am made to rise like a fucking wild thing

And point the way through the forest

- PSpencer

November 2021 Full Beaver Moon Eclipse

 How about that lunar eclipse energy, eh?

This spectacular event is powerful and illuminating. And I stayed in bed, enjoying it from the comfort of my home. I've been feeling a lot of the intense energy, without seeing it with my own eyes. It's been nearly overwhelming, so I excused myself from it and meditated instead. 

I've had an awakening these past few weeks, momentum keeping me flying towards a precipice I never thought I'd see or experience. My ability to connect with Spirit has strengthened, and I've been getting information at light speed compared to before. 

I've experienced physical side effects that cannot be explained any other way and never had them like this before. I'm pretty in tune with myself, always have been. But this is another level entirely. 

Awakening Symptoms (so far)

• When your lower spine feels like a heating pad has heated it, and you're not using one...
• When the rush of energy courses through your body like pulsing waves of light, waking the nerves along the way...
• Information comes cascading down, infused with excited energy, and leaves you feeling dead tired...
• Telling people things they haven't said to others, or to me, and it being correct...
• Intuitively knowing the exact meaning of the cards, when you haven't read the correspondences in Tarot...
• Needing to ground yourself in multiple ways, because suddenly you're a lightning rod amongst the trees...

It all adds up to this awakening, this connection to Spirit, the surrounding universe, feeling them and being inspired by them. 

In this powerful time, I'm concentrating on grounded connections, learning about my energy boundaries, and respecting them. I have little idea how this will go, but I know it's the beginning of something amazing. Hope to see you along the ride, and that you get all the support you need and want. 

***Message about this time:

This Lunar Eclipse is a time of changes, the harbinger of big changes and special beginnings, a time to listen to your soul and release what harms it. Take this moment to grasp the meaning and embracing it. 

Why Did The Pandemic Happen?

 

To do away with what was hurting Earth, and people. 

The gift of loss and grief is now, but almost done. 

Give time to the knowledge and feeling of security and don't lose sight of the spiritual and universe along the way. 

Emotion are high, and coloring situations falsely, time of confusion and hope, clarity and depression. 

It's all going to be okay. Give it time. 

Trust the process. Trust Spirit. Trust yourself. 

Do away with false beliefs, old thoughts, useless patterns. 

Humanity is leveling up, higher consciencness, love, and good.

Emotional highs n anger, uncertainty, the dying of the masculine will lash back as he fades into the morning light. 

Feminine will heal, entering a new era of seeing, feeling and knowing. 

******************

The above was a channelled message from Spirit and my guides about the pandemic. We're in year two of this world-wide phenomenon, and many feel anger, uncertainty, and struggle to find hope and purpose. It's a stagnant energy we're living in, and while it's useful for the progression of the human species, it's uncomfortable, heart-rending, and chaotic. 

In generations past, plagues would ravage the world, decimating populations, and allowing the Earth to renew itself. The weight of humanity diminished during those times, and I feel that this pandemic serves the same purpose. We're in this moment of civilization that has to face this. 

I want to offer hope, however. We cannot have darkness without light, cannot have life with death of some sort. Death isn't a horrible thing, but since it's another life happening that we've been distanced from, we fear it. Death isn't the total ending of someone or something. It's a promise of a new beginning, and don't we all need those from time to time?  

So during these last weeks of 2021, take the time to release whatever energy you've been carrying the last few years. Let it go, it's served you long enough. 

It's time to move into the season of comfort, self healing, and intimacy with family, universe, and tradition. 

Obese In A Fat Phobic World - Fat, Binge Eating, And Mental Health

I want to talk about being obese, the binge eating, the mental health and the reality of the societal dichotomy of accepting and judging overweight people.

Society tells me, an obese woman, that it’s my fault. I just need to eat less, move more. I need this fad or that pill. All my ailments stem from these extra pounds I’m so willingly carrying. Everything would be better, if I just lost some weight. I could go into the emergency room with an ailment, and they would say weight is the problem. 

Break a bone? Lose weight.

Migraines? Lose weight.

Random rashes? Lose weight.

Gun shot? Lose weight.

Thyroid issues?? Lose the fucking weight.

What they don’t tell you is that it’s not that simple. Otherwise fewer people would be overweight.

I can wax poetic about the ways big business and big pharmaceutical have helped sideline the obese population, but that isn’t the point of this. I’m sure I’ll discuss that at a later date. Living in a fat phobic world had led to so many issues with me, and others like me who were obese in childhood. This isn't only for childhood obesity though, the phobia, the fears, the projections; it all affects obese people. 

I was among the first to develop in my class. 9 years old, bleeding and growing breasts; it was an enormous factor into my oddity among my peers. Bullied and taunted. Hormones raged while I gained pound after pound of fleshly armor. I coped in the only way I knew how... eating. Eat until it hurts. Then doing it again and again; every meal an opportunity to stretch my stomach to new heights and see how nauseous I could get. 

Binge eating was my thing. Depressed over what others said? Eat something.

Anxious over the new tactics my classmates would employ? Eat something.

You get the idea.

This armor was and is weak, but it's still there doing it's best to protect. It's a dangerous thing, however, since obesity itself leads to other horrible diseases. Being fat isn't healthy, but it's a method of coping with other issues. Those issues need to be addressed before, during, and after weight loss. 

Everyone wants me to lose weight, get healthy, etc. Fit the accepted standard of appearance. Fit something that I was never meant to fit into. Imagine if we all fit into the narrow ideal of womanhood? How fucking boring. I’ve chosen to concern myself with my physical and mental health. Facing the trauma and mindset that led me here rather than the mercurial image of the hour. This is the only way I can see forward in not perpetuating the cycle of eating emotions, and protecting myself through flesh. 

Health isn’t a number, or a shape. It’s about acceptance of where you came from, where you’re currently at, and where you want to go. It’s about reaching out to people who can help, like an understanding doctor, therapist, friends and family. It's about acceptance, and the willingness to change what you need too in order to be health, happy, doing what you love. 

It’s about finding the internal reason divorced from the hell that is the health industry.

There’s an idea that if you’re overweight, you’ve chosen to be that way.

It’s easy to change...

You’re lazy.

The ignorance is real. When obese people try to explain how they feel, what’s going on with them...it’s brushed away as excuses. Justification of the “choice” to be fat. For some, being obese is an eating disorder. It needs the compassion, interventions, and help from those around them. We need you to listen to us when we speak about our obesity. 

Not judgement.

For fuck’s sake...don’t you know we obese people judge ourselves the harshest?

We battle the image in the mirror, the voices of “professionals”, the statements made by friends and foes alike. We battle our own voices, the loudest of all. Instead of help, we’ve given rote answers. Instead of understanding, we’re met with condemnation.

We need help.

We need interventions.

We need compassion.

We need support.

Some of us can fight for help. Many cannot. Many don’t realize they are worth fighting for. We need the cooperative of a team to un-bury ourselves from the dark hole of added weight. The body positive movement wants us to embrace being healthy at any size, contrary to research stating that the more you weigh the higher the chances/probability of developing additional diseases. 

It's no wonder people don't know how to deal with those who are obese with the mixed messages out there. What I wish for, what I hope for, is that you simply listen to and support those who are struggling with their weight, their image, being healthy, having a healthy relationship with food, etc. 

Because I'll tell you, I don't have a healthy relationship with food. It's a daily struggle to face my habits and processes that lie to me about food. Almost daily, I find myself in a cycle of thoughts that become obsessive about what I eat, where I eat, how often, why I eat, is this okay for me, will this hurt my body or progress? 

The thought vomit is huge, and once the cycle starts it takes awhile to end. So friends... be kind to those who are obese in your life. They carry struggles and battles you won't easily see. Listen to them. Validate their feelings. Support them. 

11 Self-Care Practices In My Daily Routine - I Have A Chronic Disease

 

Having a Chronic Disease Means I Need a Self Care Routine, and So Should You. Here are 11 Things I Aim To Do Every Day For Whole Health. 

I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid. This affects my entire system, since the thyroid controls the hormones. Although I'm medicated, I still experience symptoms, and have flare-ups. Self care routines have been something I've wanted to do, but felt like it was too much. 

After experiencing my lowest low, I decided I needed to make taking care of myself my priority over everything else. It would be the only way I could take care of my family, and create my passion, i.e. writing, videos, photography. It's still a process, one I'm fine tuning as I go. Listening to my body, mind and soul through this whole thing is showing me just how much my body needs disconnected from anything fast, sudden, overwhelming. In this disconnect I become connected to the slower nature, the single tasked life.

Depression also holds a big slice of my pie, anxiety not too far behind. Between the three, I knew I needed something to help me do the basics for living my life. I also knew that checklists and timers help motivate me when not much else does. With a chronic disease, most things feel insurmountable. 

Cue the daily routine checklist of self care, with time limits on the tasks that need them.

1. Meditate - any length of time, sometimes it's guided sometimes I choose a few songs to play and allow myself to observe my thoughts and relax anything in my body that is tense.

2. Journal - I set up a journal template in Notion, and use that to write every morning. It's one accommodation I've made.

3. Yoga or walk - any length of time, honestly just moving is enough for me.

4.Medications - self explanatory, but this also means that I take time once a week to refill my container to make it easier each day.

5. Supplements - I have to set this up better, but for right now it's by the coffee machine, since I drink coffee a few times a day.

6. Brush teeth - I can forget to take care of personal hygiene, so having this here helps tremendously.

7. Hydrate - another reminder needed!

8. Positive affirmation - I really want to focus on changing limiting beliefs, and the best way I know how, besides journalling, is positive affirmations.

9. Shower or bath - more hygiene things I can forget to do when my mental health is poor.

10. Read 10m of non-fiction book - I have many NF books, and want to work through them. I'm starting with Paganism, and it's been great for spiritual growth and grounding.

11. Write 10m - I want to show up every day, and do the bare minimum. Meaning I just want to show up and guard my energy. Ten minutes isn't long, but it's long enough to get some progress made on my writing. Which is all I want.

You'll see different areas addressed in there, like hygiene, medical, mental, spiritual, self reflective, action based. I'm started with baby steps. Keeping it easier, rather than harder. Keeping it something I can accomplish, not something that wants to demolish me.

I've also given myself permission to journal on the computer, use music to focus and relax (instead of quiet), though quite is great when I can get it. The key to my progress is allowing myself to take something 'they' say is great for health, and making it mine. Making it doable and consistent for me. In the perfect world, I'd hand write my journaling. Reality is that for me to do it, it's through typing.

Making things work with what I'm capable of RIGHT NOW is the key to how I'm doing better now than I have been. Realistically, seeing where I'm at, and then adjusting things to accommodate myself, has been the best change in my thought process. 

I'm also building an evening routine. I'll share when I find what works for me. I need to move slowly and carefully. Always monitoring my energy levels. This is a blessing, not a curse. I've thought it's a curse... but this morning's journaling session revealed just how much it was a blessing. Going slow means I make progress. Going slow means I can smell the roses as I walk past them. Taking my time means I can pivot easier when things happen, or change.

I encourage you to consider your practices right now, evaluate your energy levels and adjust as you need too. It's okay to change things so they fit you. Don't let the proverbial 'they or them' dictate what is healthy for you. Only you know that.