Death Comes To Us All

 In a world of chaos, I’m embracing death and change. Life and death, the cosmic balance of life that is something we used to know as a species, we’ve lost our way with it. Something about the knowledge that we will taste death does something to a person. 

I’ve walked with people (both personal losses and professional ones) who are on the path to death, seen the stages they pass through and the peace grows the closer they get. I’ve also seen in some cases, the fear and dread of leaving others behind, or not knowing what will come...this keeps us here for longer when we could pass in peace if we just accepted the stages of life as those stages. We will pass from this life into the next, and for that it’s inevitable. It’s something we CANNOT skip, or barter away. 

Many have tried to make deals with the devil for longer life, others seek the fountain of youth believing that it will keep the clutches of Death away from them for longer. But in the end, they met with Them, the One who walks with them intimately through a process of letting go, of holding onto freedom, and letting the change happen. It’s a gift, to be honest, to walk with people in those days and hours leading to death. I cannot believe that I was blessed to do so, but it’s given me a reflective nature on death that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I think I’m more in tune with it than I realize...But It’s okay. 

I’ve become so closely acquainted with death, in the physical and spiritual forms, that I can say I am not nearly afraid of it like I had been. In fact, I can see the beauty of it, the unfolding of the steps like a forgotten rose left behind on the bush to waste away. But I’m here, to watch, to witness the glory and the passing. The way life is given, even in death, by the passing of all things. From the ashes of what’s passed on before, we rise up nurtured and strong.

Without the passing of the previous…we wouldn’t be here. There is something just beautiful in that to me. Knowing that I come from the ashes of life before, from all of life. Plants, animals, and humans alike, have nurtured me, and donated to my DNA…ashes to ashes, dust to dust. From the earth I come, and to the earth I’ll return. 

A Year Makes Me

 Whoa, what a year this has been. These last three years have all felt intense. But 2022 has been a year of deep healing, and personal growth for myself and my business. 

I've unlocked doors to the pain I'd hidden so well that I didn't recall it until my mind and guides brought it up. 

I've lost several friendships, because of shifting beliefs and ideals (My own mostly).

I've put myself out there on multiple platforms and in multiple ways. Photography, tarot, spirituality, blog, videos. It's all a part of who I've been and who I'm becoming. 

Have you ever seen the other side of fear and grief? Like a door to waking up and seeing the reality of our entire existence and purpose? 

It’s like lifting a veil that you never knew was there and suddenly it’s all you can see. 

Truth is everywhere. 

True truth means people's pain and trauma speaking through their anger and rage, tears and grief. 

Humanity is a constant ball of emotions; all we’re trying to do is walk and live through this maelstrom with a semblance of happiness and fulfillment that feeds our souls in the darkness. 

Holy shit, run-on sentence, am I right? 

I’m journaling like it's my job, and maybe it is. All this deep written work and all the revelations hidden in the letters on the screen… like some alchemical magickal priestess and shaman of the new age. Someone who can use the tools of NOW to bring rise to the gods and humanity of OLD. But how does this translate and not overthink it too much? I love doing what I do and seeing what the words craft when I’m not paying attention and listening to the beat of music and dancing in place while words floor and fly off my fingers like I’m painting the world with my intention with each stroke and each strike. I love this. It’s so… freeing, I guess, to see this happen.

Obese In A Fat Phobic World - Fat, Binge Eating, And Mental Health

I want to talk about being obese, the binge eating, the mental health and the reality of the societal dichotomy of accepting and judging overweight people.

Society tells me, an obese woman, that it’s my fault. I just need to eat less, move more. I need this fad or that pill. All my ailments stem from these extra pounds I’m so willingly carrying. Everything would be better, if I just lost some weight. I could go into the emergency room with an ailment, and they would say weight is the problem. 

Break a bone? Lose weight.

Migraines? Lose weight.

Random rashes? Lose weight.

Gun shot? Lose weight.

Thyroid issues?? Lose the fucking weight.

What they don’t tell you is that it’s not that simple. Otherwise fewer people would be overweight.

I can wax poetic about the ways big business and big pharmaceutical have helped sideline the obese population, but that isn’t the point of this. I’m sure I’ll discuss that at a later date. Living in a fat phobic world had led to so many issues with me, and others like me who were obese in childhood. This isn't only for childhood obesity though, the phobia, the fears, the projections; it all affects obese people. 

I was among the first to develop in my class. 9 years old, bleeding and growing breasts; it was an enormous factor into my oddity among my peers. Bullied and taunted. Hormones raged while I gained pound after pound of fleshly armor. I coped in the only way I knew how... eating. Eat until it hurts. Then doing it again and again; every meal an opportunity to stretch my stomach to new heights and see how nauseous I could get. 

Binge eating was my thing. Depressed over what others said? Eat something.

Anxious over the new tactics my classmates would employ? Eat something.

You get the idea.

This armor was and is weak, but it's still there doing it's best to protect. It's a dangerous thing, however, since obesity itself leads to other horrible diseases. Being fat isn't healthy, but it's a method of coping with other issues. Those issues need to be addressed before, during, and after weight loss. 

Everyone wants me to lose weight, get healthy, etc. Fit the accepted standard of appearance. Fit something that I was never meant to fit into. Imagine if we all fit into the narrow ideal of womanhood? How fucking boring. I’ve chosen to concern myself with my physical and mental health. Facing the trauma and mindset that led me here rather than the mercurial image of the hour. This is the only way I can see forward in not perpetuating the cycle of eating emotions, and protecting myself through flesh. 

Health isn’t a number, or a shape. It’s about acceptance of where you came from, where you’re currently at, and where you want to go. It’s about reaching out to people who can help, like an understanding doctor, therapist, friends and family. It's about acceptance, and the willingness to change what you need too in order to be health, happy, doing what you love. 

It’s about finding the internal reason divorced from the hell that is the health industry.

There’s an idea that if you’re overweight, you’ve chosen to be that way.

It’s easy to change...

You’re lazy.

The ignorance is real. When obese people try to explain how they feel, what’s going on with them...it’s brushed away as excuses. Justification of the “choice” to be fat. For some, being obese is an eating disorder. It needs the compassion, interventions, and help from those around them. We need you to listen to us when we speak about our obesity. 

Not judgement.

For fuck’s sake...don’t you know we obese people judge ourselves the harshest?

We battle the image in the mirror, the voices of “professionals”, the statements made by friends and foes alike. We battle our own voices, the loudest of all. Instead of help, we’ve given rote answers. Instead of understanding, we’re met with condemnation.

We need help.

We need interventions.

We need compassion.

We need support.

Some of us can fight for help. Many cannot. Many don’t realize they are worth fighting for. We need the cooperative of a team to un-bury ourselves from the dark hole of added weight. The body positive movement wants us to embrace being healthy at any size, contrary to research stating that the more you weigh the higher the chances/probability of developing additional diseases. 

It's no wonder people don't know how to deal with those who are obese with the mixed messages out there. What I wish for, what I hope for, is that you simply listen to and support those who are struggling with their weight, their image, being healthy, having a healthy relationship with food, etc. 

Because I'll tell you, I don't have a healthy relationship with food. It's a daily struggle to face my habits and processes that lie to me about food. Almost daily, I find myself in a cycle of thoughts that become obsessive about what I eat, where I eat, how often, why I eat, is this okay for me, will this hurt my body or progress? 

The thought vomit is huge, and once the cycle starts it takes awhile to end. So friends... be kind to those who are obese in your life. They carry struggles and battles you won't easily see. Listen to them. Validate their feelings. Support them. 

 I Can't Find My Motivation

Image from Unsplash

Motivation is a buzzword. One could argue any number of key external factors as the success marker. Internal is where it's at, because no one understands what moves you more than YOU do. Phycology Today states, "Motivation is the desire to act in service of a goal. It's the crucial element in setting and attaining our objectives. Motivation is one of the driving forces behind human behavior. It fuels competition and sparks social connection. Its absence can lead to mental illnesses such as depression."

I honestly can't tell you why I've found motivation on a consistant basis. I won't lie and say it's steady either. It waxes and wanes like life itself does. Coming off of the first six months of 2020, when my health was at it's worst, I realized that I'd been coasting on life. I'd made it my job to watch OTHERS live their dreams, lamenting my own lack. Depression and anxiety hit hard, along with an autoimmune flare that literally made me bedridden.

I don’t want to end up back there. I don't want to lose the passion for creation that I have. While I strive for my goals, I also acknowledge that I need to always keep an eye on my health. If I use it as a barometer for my to-do list, I'll be doing well according to my own measurements. I have a strong desire for sharing my creativity, but I won't sacrifice my mental, physical or spiritual health for it. I can create and share as I can, but I can't get back my health and the days I lose because of not paying attention.

Motivation is an inner knowing that what I'm doing RIGHT NOW is enough. If I do ONLY this for the rest of my life...my heart and soul are fulfilled. The rest of it is all icing.