Purity Culture and It's Lasting Effects
Within the protestant church, being a virgin on one’s wedding night is as a gift to god and your husband, and a sign of one’s faith. Our very salvation hinged on keeping our purity and maintaining the ability to remain above the desires and temptations of the ‘flesh’. Once married, we are to have sex, and be enthusiastic about it. Forget everything taught and implied before. Forget that sex is the temptation of the devil to enjoy the flesh.
Forget that we’re not supposed to tempt our ‘brother’.
There’s an implied thought - the boys aren’t in control of their desires, so girls had to be. We had to set boundaries to keep the lustful man in check. This suppressed our own desires and subjugated us. We had to be hyperaware of our dress, our actions, our surroundings. Men could be dangerous and virginity sacred. We couldn’t tempt our ‘brothers’ to sin, assuming that responsibility on our shoulders instead of responsibility of self. Patriarchy is vital to the purity culture idea, and boys held to a double standard. There’s not test for male purity, like there is for women.
I.E. White sheet on wedding night.
Sexual purity teaches us that our bodies don’t belong to us, that our needs and wants don’t matter, and that it’s a death sentence (going to hell) to go against that. Like a switch, we’re supposed to enjoy it once we have that ring and say the vows. But this isn’t what happens. It’s not all that easy to see sex as a beautiful, fulfilling thing when raised to believe it’s a tool used to lure us to the dark side. Sometimes, sex is a tool within the marriage to keep us in line, or punish us. Anything sexual carried a veneer of shame.
Any desire we had was sinful and led to a warped idea of sexual identity.
As this purity remains valued, women will be less willing to come forward about sexual abuse, since it would highlight their ‘sin’. This is the ‘cross’ the church bares. Having a hand in making woman (and some men) feel subjugated to their husbands. Hiding abuse and fear, instead of reaching out for help. We’ve all heard about the ‘good Christian couple’ down the street. They end up divorced or worse because of heinous acts committed behind closed doors.
Is this all Christians? No, but the structure and mentality of the culture breeds opportunity for such things.
While they teach women our bodies and desires are evil, they teach men their minds are. When they lust or look at someone else with interest, they think something is wrong. They go to pastors, counselor, workshops and meetings to eradicate this ‘evil inclination’ from their lives.
Sexuality is very black and white within the church, between a man and a woman only. This ideology has done innumerable damage to those who grow up in the environment. Being interested, or in love, with the same sex was a clear sign a person was going to hell. Hate the sin, love the sinner, right? But it doesn’t work that way in reality.
In reality, families break apart and children abandoned because of their choice in life partner.
A few other instances that are widespread in the church: the number of broken marriages, shame and guilt-ridden women, kicked out of the family and banished homosexual family members. Is this what Jesus wanted? Despite my personal beliefs, my inclination is to state emphatically that he would not support these acts.
Nor would Jesus support the purity culture that bred this outcome.
When leaving that culture of shame and fear, there comes a moment of reclaiming one’s power, and reveling in it. It looks different to each person, but it’s a normal part of the process. Sexuality is a person's individual journey, and from experiences it can be incredible and enjoyable.
But getting over the guilt and shame of that enjoyment is an ongoing matter.
Trauma is a real thing. It can cause panic attacks, nightmares, disassociation, depression, hyper-fear, self-harm, avoidance of anything sexual... the list goes on. In the end, the purity culture has made a generation of women (like yours truly) shamed for their desires and libido. Instead of celebrating the beauty that is in connection with the sexual acts, we struggle to initiate and to engage; to see it as something positive and DARE I say... healthy physically and mentally?
Various studies mentioned that this isn’t a blanket phenomenon. Not all women raised in the purity culture are adversely affected. But the number of women affected is much higher than those who were not.
My emphasis has been on women but I can't forget the men and their experiences too. Young men aren't necessarily taught to be responsible for their actions, thoughts and deeds. Their natural habit is visual, (this is a human trait). They are taught, directly or indirectly, to objectify women based on their comportment. Just like women, they learn their body is the enemy. Lastly, they are told they are the leaders in all things, including the bedroom, to the possible exclusion of what the woman wants.
This isn't an exhaustive list by any means, but there's articles on this side of the topic as well.
In the end, purity culture suppresses the god-given natural desires in both men and women, in the idea of honoring said god. I can't help but conclude that if this is what that god set up, he's a sadistic and cruel god. What parent would make something so beautiful for their child, only to tell them it's a sin in every way but a small and narrow manner?
Resources:
- Psychology behind purity culture - https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/5-purity-culture-myths-and-why-they-are-false-promises
- https://openprairie.sdstate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3689&context=etd
- Psychology behind sexual abuse - https://www.nationalcac.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Mental-health-and-law-enforcement-professionals-Trauma-history-psychological-symptoms-and-impact-of-providing-services-to-child-sexual-abuse-survivors.pdf
- https://www.apa.org/topics/sexual-assault-harassment
- Healing from purity culture and sexual abuse - https://sojo.net/interactive/their-generation-was-shamed-purity-culture-heres-what-theyre-building-its-place
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